Live Life Now

Mama on her wedding day, isn't she beautiful?

As 2015 comes to an end and we're all counting down in our own time zones for whatever that may come in the new year, I remember my mom always loved to stay up late past midnight for just one day of the year.
I don't.  I sleep as early as I can because my new year, as always, had already been celebrated, 6 hours earlier and I saw no point staying up late for this timezone.

Some may say I hold on to my past so much that I forgot to live my now.  Some may say I've so much anger, my love can't be felt.  Some may say I talk too deep, they rather not talk to me at all.
I say to all of you, I am how I feel.  What's the point of living when you don't feel the contrast?
Over there where mom is now, there's only love.  It's comfy and always is just love in its pure form, that's why we choose to come to this life and experience this flesh and body.
Now I have this chance to feel what it's like to have someone who truly loves me unconditionally, passing over, I like to linger for a while in this human emotions.  To feel what it's like being out of alignment and shaken.  As I move through all these emotions, it only makes me crave alignment even more.

I see the dramas and the variety of life played out in my mom and sibling's lives.  Nothing is wrong or right, everyone chooses their own path.  So when you judge, you're only pointing out the contrast between your own path and theirs.  I don't watch TV dramas anymore.  I look at how my parents interacted with their friends and family, that's already drama, or if I want some international drama, I turn on CNN.  It's real, it's now, it's raw.

I've learnt many things in my short life.  I knew mom would've slip away quietly that day, because the night before, I spent time with her and felt what she felt and got confused on why.  My innate knows why, hers knows too it was the right time.
My grief is for the living and the games they're still playing.  The ones I'm tired of dealing.  This is my exit from their dramas.  I am myself again.  Not defined by their judgments.

My life keeps getting better and better now because I have guidance within me.  Now that I'm able to communicate with mom directly without the confusing flesh desires, I know that human craving of relationships is only an excuse for wanting to be in alignment with themselves.
No more excuses because I have alignment all day everyday.

2016 onward will be the best times of my life.  I'll let you in on a secret, ... I may be the luckiest person on earth.  :) :) :)

Death

Nothing ever truly dies...
Everything simply transforms...
Human emotions are so precious to have and to share...
They're there to be felt and can hardly be expressed in writing when not felt...

It's a free fall without a net...
Are you ready to go or do you have to be in control?

When you let go, you're ready to be freed...

...The Author...

The author who wrote more than a dozen books, knows nothing of emotions...
He understands ancient theories but misinterpret raw feelings...

The author who boasts of his followers, knows nothing of loyalty...
He compartmentalise marriage into different area from commitment...

The author who faces students every week, knows nothing of honesty...
He obligates at home and becomes a slave of "love" other times...

The author who thinks he knows the stars and planets...
Refuses to see inward towards his own galaxy...

The author who writes so much...
Does not deserve another word...

"You Don't Know What Love Is"

You don't know what love is
Until you've learned the meaning of the blues
Until you've loved a love you've had to lose

You don't know what love is

You don't know how lips hurt
Until you've kissed and had to pay the cost
Until you've flipped your heart and you have lost

You don't know what love is

Do you know how lost heart feels
At the thought of reminiscing
And how lips that taste of tears
Lose their taste for kissing

You don't know how hearts burn
For love that cannot live yet never dies
Until you've faced each dawn with sleepless eyes

You don't know what love is

You don't know how hearts burn
For love that cannot live yet never dies
Until you've faced each dawn with sleepless eyes
You don't know what love is

What love is

See you on the other side, Mom....

I woke up and remember, today I have a list of things to do.
Phone calls to answer, no one helps.
Not that any of these are important anymore.
Now that I'm on this side alone.

I don't want to live life like a zombie.
It certainly feels like so for now.
I have my meals with tears, it makes everything tastes the same.
Is this how it feels when you lose someone you can never replace?

As I crouch under my work desk, I ask myself....
What the hell am I doing here?
What life am I going back to?
I never had a life, I was always living hers.

Mom moved on to another form 2 days ago.
Dad's already talking about the new woman....
I have no one and nowhere to park my heart.
Mom, can I come with you?

Love and Trust Part 2

While he's been playing his games with various girls, she has been on a quest to find herself.
She asks herself the important questions.  Why her relationships failed?  Why her mother's health decline so rapidly and has been reduced to a chunk of flesh that's rotting from inside and have her voice taken away?  What is the significance in her mother's exit from the scenario?
This is what he should've done, instead of playing the victim role and still blaming her for failing twice in his attempt to revive the relationship between them.

Another person, a new face, does not change the lessons needing to be learnt.  It is insignificant compare to the lessons they both have signed up to have in this lifetime.  The circumstances have made them met again for the third time to give them a choice whether to take up the lessons again or choose to go on their own path.

She had questioned many times and tested many times on why some relationship lasts, some don't, some stays true to their partner even through the difficult times, some stray, some finds it easy to stay together, some just drifts apart.  She finds the answer after much vulnerable moments.
It is not about who is the partner, the different faces, the permutation of conditions, the details of how, are just variations on how you can learn your lessons.
She finds that one can change partners many many times, you have no limit really, you set your own limit, you know your own lessons.  The thing that matter is whether you learnt your lessons.  Some partner gives you better circumstances, because they also change and grow with you, some tends to trudge and makes you feel like you're walking in a swamp, because he can't keep up with your change or he just chooses to never change hence the relationship breaks.

The question then becomes which variations do  you like best?  One full of people that keeps up with your change and vibrates on a higher frequency with you (to say it simply, being around happy people)?  Or one full of people that makes you feel like you're swamping through your day?
You may feel love and trust from both groups, but is it the real thing?  How do each define love and trust?

He said that the many years of his life were his greatest asset that he has given her and that she had lost his love and trust.  That she is not free of the deed of their past and he would not bet the rest of his life on her because he has been genuine and there's no regret in that.
Here lies a lot of what his lessons are, if only he took a second read at what he wrote.
He's still hurting and blaming her for all the actions he took after they went their separate ways.  The games he's playing are still the same.  It is called the "blame game" and no body can be the winner of that, but he thinks he'll win because he'll bet on someone else next time around, even after various attempts on that having to fail, he's still thinking betting on someone else is better than looking inwards like what she had done.
He said she only deserves being a mistress because of the deed of their past.  She knows better, a Ph.D. student would feel just as frustrated explaining her findings to a 9 year old.
What she deserves to be in someone's life, has nothing to do with other people and her deed of their past.  The most important thing about relationship and the love and the trust in it, is within you and how you relate to yourself.

Life is learning your lessons with someone that is willing to change their energy to keep moving positively.  It's not about betting on someone new just because they have not done anything to you, yet.
Relationships lasts when you both grow together, hand in hand, helping each other, not playing the games people play.  Maybe occasionally you want to play the game but you have to be conscious about it and not forget the lesson you're learning.
Keeping in touch with your emotional barometer is essential to check your place.  That's why it's no good to just "cope".  You have to get raw with your emotion and do the necessary steps to get back to your happy place.
The universe (or multiverse now) is always listening to you.  When you have love and trust in yourself, it won't leave you out of the equation.
We are all love, and from that, we can trust that we're always looked after.

Love and Trust Part 1

Love and trust, do you take or give them?

It's been a while since I find myself among people who thinks love and trust are give and take.
I'm thankful that I'm so good at sifting and sorting my own vibrations, so those who still thinks love and trust are either given or taken are nowhere around me.

Love and trust are owned by each and every one of us because we are love ourselves.  Once we know we are love, trust is abundant.  We will find love and trust everywhere we go.

Unless...you have this scenario below...

17 years ago, he met this girl of different nationality.  Same race, but different culture.  It might have been love at first sight, so he thought, as for her, she wished never to meet him again after their first meeting as she didn't understand why he threw a piece of paper to her when asking for her phone number.
He came off as rather cold and rude.  Man of few words and definitely, not her preference in a life partner.  He was persistent in his persuasion and even though he was a bit brash, his archaic gentlemanly style caught her attention.
This impertinent man was the only one to send her flowers 7 times in a row after each bunch withered.
Twice they tried to be together for life, but failed both times.  He blames her each time, thinking it's always the other person's fault.  As I said, he was a brash impertinent man with little understanding of himself because he never tried to pry open himself and face the real man within.
Many times, he tried to find someone else other than her.  Many times he failed.  Each time worst than the other.

Recent dumping scenario includes a -4 degrees celcius winter and cocktails of sleeping pills.
He was supposed to get married February 2015, instead, he flew to meet her in December 2014 to a confession that he was just too much for someone like her that craves a guy with warm heart and a monk's fate.  Enough said, when you're in your 40's, your choice of girls are limited unless you're Elon Musk, which he is not.
His life passes him by, the same lesson each time worst than the other, only to present him with the same girl that he met 17 years ago by chance.  Not the girls he met through dating sites, or exclusive dating clubs that he's been merry go-rounding.  They have gone to live their lives and he never made that good enough impression for them anyway to get him "remembered".

Yet, he refuses to look within himself.  Still blaming her for the two chances he had given her and failed.  Still blaming her for her past actions, never his, it was always her that's to blame.  Never looking at himself not even once because that would leave him exposed and that would hurt a lot he thinks.  Always pointing that one finger at her and not realising that four fingers are pointing back at him whenever he does that.
So he ages, his body taking the tolls of his negative beliefs and blame games.  The life he wakes up to becomes a series of unfortunate events.  There's always something happening in his life that causes him to curse the very existence of him and his lonely parents who are well aging into their 80's.  Sometimes the neighbours' cows wonders around into his paddock and being called home early from work for that, well, it sort of give the boss a not so nice impression.  Someone's gotta do it and who else is there?  No one but him.

This could've been a good life for him he thought, if only his plan worked.  Get a random girl from a dating match making, make some babies, get her busy with the babies and the old parents, while he continues to "work it" outside with a mistress.  Hey, everybody does it nowadays, a man has gotta "eat", right?

====Continue in Part 2====